There is only person that reads this blog. I dont know if I keep writing it in order to maintain or keep some kind of connection with you. At times, I feel lonely and lost, but recently I dont feel like anything ignites me…I dont feel like I have such a clear purpose or reason to get up in the morning…I feel as though my life is kinda stalling right now and I’m not sure how to start it up again. At times, I dont know what I’m looking for, what it is I’m exactly doing, and for what purpose…For me, does everything need purpose? Can I just be?
For the last couple of nights, nononono….wait….more like the past couple of weeks, I have been really thinkin about my past. These past couple of years have really past by fast when I think about it…Sometimes I wonder if what ive done is worth what ive done…Could I have made better decisions? Could I have saved my relationships with those that mattered? I cant turn back time…I cant stop from getting older…Im starting to lose hair, I’m getting sick easier, I’m getting more paranoid like an old man…Yea, I’m getting older.
Maybe it is the fact that I havent or cant accept getting older…That is why I still always think about the past, trying to relive or remember or hold on to the connections and friends and ex-girlfriends and hobbies and smoking and etc that I used to and still do. And it is really strange…I think about others, I think about the past, yet whenever someone moves on, whenever someone really “moves” away from me; it is really hard for me to accept. I’ve always been independent, but maybe I have to be more independent. Sometimes, I’m so clear about the difference between being independent and being lonely. When you are independent, you are able to do things by yourself, you dont need others…But by not needing others, you’re lonely right??? I dunno if I’m making any sense…To be honest, I dont give a fuck. Whatever….But yea, i think i need a kick in the butt to jumpstart me…I gotta move on, just like how everyone else does…
The memories I have of others…It is a bit more difficult to recall them now…But when I really think about a time or person or event, I can recall it so vividly and clearly…Almost to the point where I can smell the person and REALLY remember what it was like…
When I was a child, my aunt used to make Turkey ham sandwiches for me which I thought were disgusting…I often threw my lunches away and would eat my friend’s peanut butter and jam sandwiches…It’s funny how things have changed…Nowadays, I always think about the health benefits in regards to the food im eating, but when I was a kid, when eating and growing were the most important things, I didnt give a fuck at all….As long as it tasted good…Lookin back now, I kinda wished someone took a bit better care of me…let me know that eating healthy was important…Maybe i woulda been a bit taller…haha
Sometimes I think about my best friend. Ya know, even with a girlfriend…when u stay with them for awhile, there are times when you are bored and you want your own space for a period of time…With me and Zach, its strange how we never really got tired of hanging out with each other…there would always be something to talk about, something to do, or rather, nothing to do together….When you meet someone that you get along with when you have nothing to do, perhaps that is someone that you really really get along with well…
I was reading some of the writing that I did during my first year of university and it kinda makes me shiver and feel embarassed….I was so close minded back then and put so many limits on my own writing…Everything had to be “perfect”. I dunno…things changed and I couldnt ever imagine being like that again…
Today was the last day of classes for some of my students…It’s really strange and it must be a part of human nature or something. Whenever someone is about to leave or something, like a class, is about to come to a close or conculsion, people feel the need to leave a lasting impression, a lasting comment, or just something lasting. My students never really tell me their personal opinions of me because, you know, they’re all pretty shy…But today, before classes end, one of the students said “Ricky, I thought you were the best teacher I had since I started this program” and that actually made me feel good….Kinda ignited me a bit; gave me a spark. It’s funny how we all want to cling on and hang on to things we love and appreciate.
We all want to leave a lasting impression because there is always not enough time…I think I’ve learned that recently…When you got something good, whether its a class, party, spending time with a person, you really gotta make the most out of it because in the end, the time will run out and it/he/she wont be there anymore. You really gotta push…and live it for what its worth…I always thought that if you exchanged emails, phone numbers, promises to meet up in the future, that the same feelings and same situations could be repeated…But the thing is, and this is really a bit shocking and hard for me to accept, but it cant and wont ever be repeated again. Theres no chance. The beauty and joy you experienced in those past moments or in the moments ahead, you really gotta enjoy them. I had some great classes with many different students in Japan, but once our time together was up…once our classes together finished, I couldnt repeat those feelings of magic and excitement and laughter that made everything special…At that one time, it was special for all of us, but then as time slowly passes, things change and you have to find that magic somewhere else…You cant look in the same place anymore….
I think I learned that I have to accept that, stay positive, and just keep making more “good” moments and experiences with others. And when you know you are in the midst of something special…something wonderful…You gotta really enjoy it for those moments and treasure them forever in your heart, mind, and soul.